It seems like another lifetime, but just a few years ago I used to take a train from Tecoma to Richmond as just one leg of an almost 2 hour commute to work each morning. A coworker joined me for a large part of this trip and we would have all sorts of fun talking nonsense and conjuring crazy hypotheticals.

On one trip we happened to notice an Elmo pushing propped up on a fence just before Chatham Station on the Belgrave Line. Naturally we decided to make up several stories about how and why he got there. Below is one such story that I decided to write down and share with my coworker.

I hope I don’t get sued for this.

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A far-reaching toy-town conspiracy to cripple Melbourne’s public transport network, potentially the city itself, has been foiled today by a pair of plucky commuters.

Lauren Sky, copycat yawner and lamington enthusiast, and her as yet unidentified associate, first caught wind of the plot when they noticed renowned ‘little red menace’ Elmo attempting to climb a rail adjacent fence not far from Chatham train station.

Asked what prompted her to report the suspicious activity, Miss Sky replied, “At first I thought nothing of it, that Elmo simply wanted to get a better view of the passing trains. But a couple of days later my friend noticed another action figure climbing the same fence a little further down the track. And when I saw a third toy loitering suspiciously near the tracks outside of Richmond station, I knew something must be up.”

Details of the play-thing’s plan remain unclear at this time though it is believed that numerous weapons have been found at various points along the Belgrave/Lilydale train line. Toy terror experts identifying the exercise of ‘weapons stashing’ as a common process in the lead up to all sorts of nefarious activity, including but not limited to the relatively uncommon practice of ‘train-jacking’.

Pressed for comment as he was taken into police custody, Elmo responded
with his famous “That tickles!” catchphrase, an expression that now takes on a significantly different implication. He followed up by exclaiming “Elmo demands a f*#%ing lawyer,” in his iconic falsetto, the juxtaposition between tone and message a jarring reminder that childlike innocence is an all too effective method to mask the monster within.

Police have arrested three members of the fun-sized fundamentalist group and are appealing to the general public for any information on any other potential collaborators.